Originally written Sep. 2018, finished Aug 2019- I got busy people!
When I had my first my mom was there for me. I needed her help and was grateful. But overall I had the baby thing down pretty good. Same with the toddler and young kid years. My step son who is now my son in every way was brought to me to raise when he was 8. I made a lot of mistakes and that’s another post but it was different with him because we were dealing with so much and were just trying to survive and keep it together.
With my daughter when she turned 8 things started to change. We were butting heads a lot, she began to have an attitude that she didn’t have before. She’s never been one even as a toddler to really throw a tantrum. My youngest son did but not my girl. She was always so easy and calm. Now she is this wired, happy, silly, playful, stubborn, loud, opinionated, independent force that rarely slows down.
She is growing up and I’m not adjusting with her. My response to her meltdowns was to punish her. My mindset was “My child will not act this way” “She’s too old for this I’m not going to let her get away with this behavior”. While that may be true and some discipline and even punishment is necessary it wasn’t right in these circumstances. It wasn’t what she needed. We ended up both upset having yelled at each other, cried and even at times I spanked her. Not only did her behavior not change but our relationship was visibly strained. You can’t yell and be angry frequently and not be changed.
The episodes weren’t daily and there were many happy moments between the rough ones.
I remember looking at my daughter a few weeks ago at her gymnastics lesson and feeling such shame at myself. She was working so hard and kept looking at me to make sure I was watching. I had said some things that day our of anger and frustration that I really shouldn’t have. That night after putting her to bed I cried on the couch for a little while. I prayed some and cried some more. I then realized that talking about what she’s doing wrong, letting myself get angry, yelling and punishing her were doing nothing but frustrating me and discouraging her.
She was uncooperative with me because I was discouraging with her.
I’m still learning and always will be. I find that when I look back on past journals or blogs or Facebook posts I’m often in disagreement with my own self. And thats part of the journey of life- change. People are not machines they are humans with souls and unique personalities. They will not each fit into a box of certain behaviors.
When my friends kids hit around 8 and my nieces and nephews I admit they developed some behaviors that I found really annoying. And then my child begins with those SAME behaviors. It’s a conspiracy, its karma!!! No…. it’s actually normal childhood development. There are even actual phases of this ‘childhood development’ with descriptions of each.
I wrote a post in the past called ‘lets not judge the kids either’ here and it’s so true. Kids are learning and growing just like us but more so. They need a good example, love, patience, consistent discipline and lots of grace. They do not need judgement- esp from adults- and being made to feel ashamed of themselves for being human and growing/learning.
I know I’m in for it when my daughter is a teenager!! But with keeping my attitude and spirit in check I respond to here so much better. Those head butting episodes that were happening once or twice a week are now once or twice a month if that and usually mild.
Parenting doesn’t fit into a box. Yes there are basic rules and manners kids can all learn that are the same but how they learn them can be whatever works for them. And consequences need to be based on their personality too. Not every kid will respond to spanking, not every kid will respond to time out or restrictions or sentence writing. Think about your child and who they are and how they best learn and how they best respond to certain situations. Each kid is unique and should be parented uniquely.
And again adults stop judging kids, seriously. Not helpful. Be nice.
Parents- your kids are building their foundation of self worth and of how they will think of and respond to the world and others right now. Remember love, patience and kindness will go a long way. Do not be discouraged but keep moving forward in grace!