I used to feel pressured to keep up with all my relationships with people and attend all the things. A good old southern “show your face”. Living in the town I grew up in there is a certain pressure to still see those you were friends with growing up. But now that my kids are getting older my focus has shifted. They need me in a different way than they did as young children and toddlers/babies. They need activities and church and friend groups and I am how they get those things. They need deeper conversations at home and time for those conversations to take place. We currently have such a wonderful group of friends. Friends that are new over the years that I’ve met because of the kids. We are able to grow with each other and foster our friendships as we watch the kids grow in theirs. I feel somewhat surrounded by different people than in years past. It’s ok to grow and change and not keep doing the same things with the same people in the same way over and over.
I’m always reading multiple books at a time. We own a small library. I have a stack that goes with me on trips and moves from my bed to the table by the couch to the screen porch and back to the bed. Usually I’m reading something self help, something spiritual, something medical/science, something homeschool related, something historical and something fiction. Along with my book stack I have a notebook and a pen to pull out meaningful info. I now have a large drawer full of these notebooks that I’ve written in over the years and I can go back and read them. I’m also slowly writing 3 different books. This time for me is crucial to who I am and who I want to be. Between working, homeschooling, running a family business with my husband and the typical household mom/animal duties finding this time for me can be difficult. However when I say no to the constant flow of activities and events that I would “normally always go to” I often find that time when I otherwise would not have.
No one else has to live in my body. No one else is me. God first, my family and myself next. If it’s in any other order I loose who I am. Saying no or saying nothing at all does not need to come with an explanation speech or with feelings of guilt. I need to hear this frequently because I have a tendency to want to help everyone. To fix things and take care of everyone. I almost feel like a failure when I can’t help or be there for everyone. I can be really hard on myself until I take a minute to pray and God reminds me He has plans for me and my family that I will miss if I don’t be still internally and externally. These plans involve being there for my husband and my kids, helping others through day to day activities, homeschool groups, through church, through my job and through wherever He shows me. I want to be be in a place with God that I’m attuned to His Spirit and am available and ready to serve. Not distracted and stressed out so much that I can’t hear Him.
There are things in my life and even people/conversations that drain me of my peace. That leave me feeling tight and unsettled inside. I used to think something was wrong with me and I needed to get over that and control myself more. I felt so weak that such small things could cause such a great internal disturbance in me. But its not about me. It’s about God and how he sees me. How He wants to use me and allowing his Spirit to guide me in what I allow myself to do. If He needs me to do something hard then He will give me what I need to handle it. If He needs me to listen to his Spirit and stay away from situations I know affect His peace within me then I need to listen to that too. Usually it’s not even about that situation or that person it’s just that God is wanting me to be still inside. It’s not about me being weak its about Him trying to work in me. For when I am weak He is strong.
I want to be a vessel He can use. To do that I must have this time of study and reflection. This means that sometimes I say no. Not because I’m “working” at my job but because I’m “working on myself”. Saying no doesn’t need to come attached with an excuse that others approve of. Saying no is a one word response that needs nothing else. My husband and I have dreams and plans. We have work we feel God has called us to do but the final picture of it isn’t fully clear yet. There is opportunity each day to grow and to help others and I want to be clear enough in my heart and mind to see it and allow God to work through me. Right now I need time and space with Him and with my husband and my children to see and fulfill this purpose. I want to keep close to Jesus and listen to His spirit and say yes or no based on His leading not my own and not other peoples.