You do you

I used to feel pressured to keep up with all my relationships with people and attend all the things. A good old southern “show your face”. Living in the town I grew up in there is a certain pressure to still see those you were friends with growing up. But now that my kids are getting older my focus has shifted. They need me in a different way than they did as young children and toddlers/babies. They need activities and church and friend groups and I am how they get those things. They need deeper conversations at home and time for those conversations to take place. We currently have such a wonderful group of friends. Friends that are new over the years that I’ve met because of the kids. We are able to grow with each other and foster our friendships as we watch the kids grow in theirs. I feel somewhat surrounded by different people than in years past. It’s ok to grow and change and not keep doing the same things with the same people in the same way over and over.

I’m always reading multiple books at a time. We own a small library. I have a stack that goes with me on trips and moves from my bed to the table by the couch to the screen porch and back to the bed. Usually I’m reading something self help, something spiritual, something medical/science, something homeschool related, something historical and something fiction. Along with my book stack I have a notebook and a pen to pull out meaningful info. I now have a large drawer full of these notebooks that I’ve written in over the years and I can go back and read them. I’m also slowly writing 3 different books. This time for me is crucial to who I am and who I want to be. Between working, homeschooling, running a family business with my husband and the typical household mom/animal duties finding this time for me can be difficult. However when I say no to the constant flow of activities and events that I would “normally always go to” I often find that time when I otherwise would not have.

No one else has to live in my body. No one else is me. God first, my family and myself next. If it’s in any other order I loose who I am. Saying no or saying nothing at all does not need to come with an explanation speech or with feelings of guilt. I need to hear this frequently because I have a tendency to want to help everyone. To fix things and take care of everyone. I almost feel like a failure when I can’t help or be there for everyone. I can be really hard on myself until I take a minute to pray and God reminds me He has plans for me and my family that I will miss if I don’t be still internally and externally. These plans involve being there for my husband and my kids, helping others through day to day activities, homeschool groups, through church, through my job and through wherever He shows me. I want to be be in a place with God that I’m attuned to His Spirit and am available and ready to serve. Not distracted and stressed out so much that I can’t hear Him.

There are things in my life and even people/conversations that drain me of my peace. That leave me feeling tight and unsettled inside. I used to think something was wrong with me and I needed to get over that and control myself more. I felt so weak that such small things could cause such a great internal disturbance in me. But its not about me. It’s about God and how he sees me. How He wants to use me and allowing his Spirit to guide me in what I allow myself to do. If He needs me to do something hard then He will give me what I need to handle it. If He needs me to listen to his Spirit and stay away from situations I know affect His peace within me then I need to listen to that too. Usually it’s not even about that situation or that person it’s just that God is wanting me to be still inside. It’s not about me being weak its about Him trying to work in me. For when I am weak He is strong.

I want to be a vessel He can use. To do that I must have this time of study and reflection. This means that sometimes I say no. Not because I’m “working” at my job but because I’m “working on myself”. Saying no doesn’t need to come attached with an excuse that others approve of. Saying no is a one word response that needs nothing else. My husband and I have dreams and plans. We have work we feel God has called us to do but the final picture of it isn’t fully clear yet. There is opportunity each day to grow and to help others and I want to be clear enough in my heart and mind to see it and allow God to work through me. Right now I need time and space with Him and with my husband and my children to see and fulfill this purpose. I want to keep close to Jesus and listen to His spirit and say yes or no based on His leading not my own and not other peoples.

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Walk in Love

Some of the greatest advice I was given about homeschooling is to make it my own and remember why I’m doing it.

This advice has really pulled me out of some dark moments when we are having a rough day. If I find myself yelling and something inside me says “Stop. This is not why you are homeschooling”. And I can pull myself out of that funk and change our pace or our scenery.

You see I am homeschooling so we can love and grow as a family in the way that best suits us. This means I can throw the books out the window if I need to. This means that spending an afternoon talking with the kids and my grandmother can be turned into so many lessons. History, Love, Health care. I mean living is learning right?

I think the best thing I can teach my kids is to walk in love with their life. And its trendy to say that. “Be kind” is all over the place. But I’ve seen someone in a “be kind” shirt being way less than kind to a check out cashier at Target.

We need to realize that truly walking in love causes a drastic change in our day to day lives. It should be noticeable to others around us. It should be constant even when (especially when) we have been wronged. Its not an easy happy feeling all the time. Its a conscious choice that you make daily.

I think we have as a society have begun to focus too much on the actions of others and we simply react to that. I think we all need to do more soul searching within ourselves and take a good look at our own hearts. Change comes from within each individual person.

I challenge myself and anyone reading this to make the decision to walk in love. Don’t just say it or feel it but walk in it. Every moment and every day. My kids are watching me and that right there is enough motivation for me.

Sometimes, especially in a pandemic when your home more than usual, its hard to know what kind of environment your creating in your home. The negative and stressful environment can sneak up on you. But if I choose to walk in love. If I choose to fill myself with Jesus daily I am creating an atmosphere of love in my home. I am making a conscious effort to be what I want my kids to be.

The other day the dog peed in his pen. When this happens its so bad. He lays in it and when you take him out he shakes. Its a disaster. Naturally I was angry. In the middle of my angry words and tears forming my daughter looks at me and says “Mom, you say not to be angry over stuff like this. No one is hurt everything is ok. I’ll clean it up”.

And instantly I felt an inch tall. How could I sit there and do exactly what I don’t allow them to do? But at the same time what a proud mom moment for me when she said that! And a great life lesson. That no one is perfect and walking in love no matter what’s happening around you is a hard thing to do at times.

Love Hard.

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Look at your bigger picture

When life gets busy and homeschool takes a temporary turn on the back burner I beat myself up over it so badly that once things slow down and its on the front burner I’ve lost my grasp on our bigger picture. All I can think about is how much we “missed” and how much we need to “catch up on”.

But when I stop and think about our reasons for homeschooling and I re-envision the bigger picture of the life we are trying to create I realize nothing is missed or wasted. Thats the whole point of our homeschools name “living is learning”.

Okay so we didn’t do much book work the last week (or two) but we did a lot of hands on learning and life skills and reading. Not to mention when your with your kids a lot the conversations you have can be way more important than any workbook.

Bookwork is necessary in my opinion. We have a certain amount of math and grammar lessons that we will get done period. But it isn’t the entire focus.
So in those moments when I’m feeling stressed and I’m trying to force a weeks worth of math and grammar all in on the one or two days we have to be home all day I stop and re-invision our bigger picture. Once I do that things run much more smoothly.

So take a minute and sit and envision your big picture, your reasons why and your life you want to create for yourself and your family. This applies to any lifestyle not just homeschoolers by any means. Each persona and family is unique and not everything works for every person. I’m a huge believer in finding your own path and passions and following that no matter what others are doing or saying. Love the quote “The sky would be awfully dark with only one star”.

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Slow it down

My quiet time this morning hit home for me. Life is so full of things that need to be done. My to do list most days is impossibly long and I have to pick the most important things and let the others go because there are just not enough hours in the day.

Homeschooling for me is near the top- it has to be. Even if it means the book I want to read is sitting there staring at me, or the piles of laundry are becoming permanent fixtures around the house or the dirty floors and dishes and list of phone calls are in a no end in sight holding pattern. Some times I don’t give homeschooling the respect I should. When I worked full time I was not home as often as I am now. Granted we still go a lot and are lucky to get one day a week where we can stay home. But I can be hard on myself feeling I should have gotten more done since I was home most of the day. But homeschooling is my job and it takes up the major parts of each day. And that’s ok! We’ve fallen into a nice rhythm lately where the kids are becoming more helpful and we clean up as we go and all spend a little time in the morning and afternoon doing “chores” together. I also have a husband who despite long work hours comes home and jumps in to help with whatever is going on when he gets home.

This last year or two I’ve made effort to create “white space” on my calendar. I have found that those white spaces are some of our favorite times as a family. Space to be free, to rest, to create and explore. To play. To slow down and listen.

I’ve been reading “Pressing Pause” in the mornings and today’s was about loving our kids like God loves us.

While discipline and rules are needed they change behaviors not the heart. We love because He first loved us. He pursued us with patient and unconditional love.

I pray that I can truly see my kids each day. To hear their hearts, listen to their fears and their dreams. God’s love motivates obedience to love Him back not with harsh discipline that breaks the Spirit.

Don’t get me wrong there are many occasions in the Bible when he shows his anger but that is in response to blatant disobedience and evil hearts. That is not how He loves.

And to me this speaks to how I parent but can also be applied to how we love anyone in our lives.

Quiet grace. Slow down and listen to those in your life.

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Just stop already

I’m so tired of seeing posts going around talking about “no one ever appreciates the working mom they only mention how hard it is for the stay at home mom” or “no one appreciates the stay at home mom they only talk about how hard it is to be a working mom”. What is the point in writing or sharing something like that? To make your self feel better you share whichever one applies to you? Does it make you feel better to share that?

I’ve been in both situations and they both have their joys and both have their hardships. I could easily from experience list the different ones of each but what’s the point?

I am currently in my sweet spot of working part time and years ago it seemed something that I would have never thought possible. After years of trying multiple different schedules and budgets and through much frustration and many tears here I am able to work part time.

Yes if I worked more I would make a lot more money and some think I’m crazy to not do that. But time with my kids, being their primary caregiver and truly knowing them is priceless to me.

When I stayed at home before I started homeschooling I lasted 4 months before I was looking for a job already. I probably seem on the outside like the kind of mom who does crafts and bakes with her kids and loves all things “stay at home mom” but that is not the case. I need a task, a job, a goal. Homeschooling completed that for me and while it is hard it is amazing for us.

I also believe that its important for those that aren’t working outside the home to have time to themselves and something they are working on or towards for themselves. For me I don’t take that advise as often as I should because my time away from the kids is usually just when I’m working. But in the mornings, like right now, I can write. And that is my release.

I would like to learn guitar or take art classes. Or join a fitness group. But this is not a season in my life where most of that is possible. But the desire isn’t going to go away it will be there when I am able to follow it. I did find an online family piano class that for now will suffice for me learning more musically. Do what you can, when you can. Don’t compare and don’t put down your dreams. Set goals, make a plan.

With all my heart I just believe that we should all be more loving and supporting of one another. No one came into their journey with no bumps and no one has zero regrets or wishes or dreams. Talk to people when you meet them instead of judging them. In stead of “wow she works so much she never sees her kids, that’s so sad” or “she must be so bored and depressed staying home all day” ask them how their life is. Ask them if they’re happy. Ask what their struggles are and dreams. Skip the small talk!

My husband frequently asks people he comes across if they love their job and if it is what they dreamed of doing. You see he believes it’s possible to follow your dreams and he is over 40 and currently in a job that is not his dream and is slowly draining the life out of him. BUT he knows he’s doing what he has to do while planning to follow his dream when he can. He hasn’t stopped dreaming.

We’ve had a lot of back and forth with our lives and jobs and have come to a good place with a couple years left of our “do life together” plan can come to fruition.

God’s plan for us is so much better than any other plan and sometimes its hard to know what that may be. But I don’t think God wants me for example to do something I hate and have no passion for. I believe God gives us desires in our heart and passions and talents that push us towards His plan for us. With that being said unless you spend time with Him and in the Word you’re not going to know anyway. You may follow a false fleeting plan because it didn’t come from Him. So keep your walk close with Him.

I also think we over complicate it. He wants us to love and serve others in a way that glorifies Him. More often than not that is simple. And it doesn’t always mean becoming a missionary. Serving God and fulfilling your dreams and following your passions can manifest in many different ways. It will not look the same on every person and in every situation. So stop comparing or sharing something to make yourself feel better that may make others feel worse. Look at your self only and ask yourself if you are following your dreams? What are your passions and how can you pursue them?

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Parenting in new territory.

Originally written Sep. 2018, finished Aug 2019- I got busy people!

When I had my first my mom was there for me. I needed her help and was grateful. But overall I had the baby thing down pretty good. Same with the toddler and young kid years. My step son who is now my son in every way was brought to me to raise when he was 8. I made a lot of mistakes and that’s another post but it was different with him because we were dealing with so much and were just trying to survive and keep it together.

With my daughter when she turned 8 things started to change. We were butting heads a lot, she began to have an attitude that she didn’t have before. She’s never been one even as a toddler to really throw a tantrum. My youngest son did but not my girl. She was always so easy and calm. Now she is this wired, happy, silly, playful, stubborn, loud, opinionated, independent force that rarely slows down.

She is growing up and I’m not adjusting with her. My response to her meltdowns was to punish her. My mindset was “My child will not act this way” “She’s too old for this I’m not going to let her get away with this behavior”. While that may be true and some discipline and even punishment is necessary it wasn’t right in these circumstances. It wasn’t what she needed. We ended up both upset having yelled at each other, cried and even at times I spanked her. Not only did her behavior not change but our relationship was visibly strained. You can’t yell and be angry frequently and not be changed.

The episodes weren’t daily and there were many happy moments between the rough ones.

I remember looking at my daughter a few weeks ago at her gymnastics lesson and feeling such shame at myself. She was working so hard and kept looking at me to make sure I was watching. I had said some things that day our of anger and frustration that I really shouldn’t have. That night after putting her to bed I cried on the couch for a little while. I prayed some and cried some more. I then realized that talking about what she’s doing wrong, letting myself get angry, yelling and punishing her were doing nothing but frustrating me and discouraging her.

She was uncooperative with me because I was discouraging with her.

I’m still learning and always will be. I find that when I look back on past journals or blogs or Facebook posts I’m often in disagreement with my own self. And thats part of the journey of life- change. People are not machines they are humans with souls and unique personalities. They will not each fit into a box of certain behaviors.

When my friends kids hit around 8 and my nieces and nephews I admit they developed some behaviors that I found really annoying. And then my child begins with those SAME behaviors. It’s a conspiracy, its karma!!! No…. it’s actually normal childhood development. There are even actual phases of this ‘childhood development’ with descriptions of each.

I wrote a post in the past called ‘lets not judge the kids either’ here and it’s so true. Kids are learning and growing just like us but more so. They need a good example, love, patience, consistent discipline and lots of grace. They do not need judgement- esp from adults- and being made to feel ashamed of themselves for being human and growing/learning.

I know I’m in for it when my daughter is a teenager!! But with keeping my attitude and spirit in check I respond to here so much better. Those head butting episodes that were happening once or twice a week are now once or twice a month if that and usually mild.

Parenting doesn’t fit into a box. Yes there are basic rules and manners kids can all learn that are the same but how they learn them can be whatever works for them. And consequences need to be based on their personality too. Not every kid will respond to spanking, not every kid will respond to time out or restrictions or sentence writing. Think about your child and who they are and how they best learn and how they best respond to certain situations. Each kid is unique and should be parented uniquely.

And again adults stop judging kids, seriously. Not helpful. Be nice.

Parents- your kids are building their foundation of self worth and of how they will think of and respond to the world and others right now. Remember love, patience and kindness will go a long way. Do not be discouraged but keep moving forward in grace!

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The gift of discouragement

This title seems wrong I know but let me explain.

Homeschooling is a serious matter. It’s not simply: “oh I get to play with my kids and be a stay at home mom and cook things and do crafts and go shopping and experience every joyous moment of their childhood”.

It’s work. It’s blood, sweat and tears- many tears. (Yes I have shed blood- staplers, hole punchers, a misfortunate incident involving super glue….., not to mention paper cuts)

In all seriousness though it’s a job that can be done well or not well. If you are feeling discouraged then you are likely doing it well.

I should point out discouragement that is constant is a bad sign. Homeschooling should overall be happy. But discouraging days and moments can be signs that something isn’t working. It’s the gift of being reminded to re-evaluate reasons for homeschooling and goals for your kid and your family.

It can also be fuel needed to channel your inner stubbornness to make it through a particularly hard subject or challenging child. It means we as homeschooling moms are taking our jobs seriously. We know what is at stake and we do not feel it lightly.

Homeschooling parents out there do not let your discouragement linger. Use it and leave it behind. While I reserve no judgment for how someone chooses to parent I fully believe that homeschooling ,if at all a possibility for a family, offers the most unique and beautiful way of experiencing the world as a family.

  

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Why am I homeschooling?

One of my patients recently asked me what made me decide to homeschool. I told him: “I honestly don’t know”.  I was never homeschooled and it wasn’t something I thought I would ever do with my kids. But when my daughter was in Kindergarten our family was just in this cycle. Rush off to school in the morning and not see each other all day then home to do homework, play, eat and go to bed. Life kind of revolved around the schools schedule. There were no field trips but 4 fund raisers. I just missed her and she missed me. Then my sitter for my youngest closed so I started temporarily working weekend nights until we found other options. Then during the summer I realized how much I loved being with my kids and It did not feel right to send her back to school. I have no specific thing against schools and this decision was not based on anything but my personal family’s situation and beliefs.

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Homeschool Update!

Schooling this year has been so much more laid back than last year. As a result we have had a better year, made some great memories and I think the kids retain information much better when it’s learned and experienced with a restful mind.

I rarely plan! I know what we need to get done and go with the flow from there.

Weekly goals:

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This is their childhood

It’s SO EASY to get caught up in daily routine’s and to do lists that I miss the best opportunities to stop, drop and live. I was reflecting on my own childhood recently and it dawned on me that my best memories are the ones not planned. The random moments at home playing with my siblings or the times we played at the ball park waiting for another sibling to finish their game. The trips camping and traveling in our RV that we had for a couple years growing up. The animals we loved and cared for.

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